Crushes
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Crushes are such strange and bizarre things. Because sometimes they feel like those warm little heat packets cracked open, you know, ACTIVATED, and it’s exciting to know it will last for a while and that you’ll derive all this comfort out of it.
It’s like, I always think I want a PRIMARY crush (secondary crushes are inevitably present) b/c primary crushes make days/moments/months seem ALIVE in this achy sort of ulcerish way. Only when I do have a particular crush my body betrays me IMMEDIATELY (transforming into this pulsating, vibrating, alien THING) and I can’t get a hold of my hands which are sweating, my heart which is beating, my face which is red-red-reddening while my brain runs off in this mad fantasy whirling and HOW DO YOU fill crushes in on those deep conversation, those tearful scenarios, those incredibly passionate love-making sessions you’ve imagined so vividly (what if they don’t ACKNOWLEDGE them for example which is valid due to the fact these events technically never happened) but it’s such a LARGE PART of our relationship. Do you know?
If my crush emails me for example, or calls me, or sends me some sort of messenger pigeon, I’m always WONDERING what he means by the ink on the page. I read his little notes (“What’s up?” “See u later?” “Hi,”) in all sorts of clever voices: tender, dispassionate, bemused (whispered in a lusty undertone) because I feel like it’s important to DISCERN his meaning. I’m desperate to unmask some hidden code. I create this person based on observations and carefully gathered “facts,” but there’s danger in that. For instance, I believe that GENUINELY cool people have a small but profound dorky streak, but what if this crush isn’t dorky at all? All in all though I LIKE crushes because I LIKE men. They trigger something in me, and it’s nice you know…when half the planetary population serves as your constant muse.
© 2005 Milly Sanders All Rights